Welcome to part three in the series called The Most Helpful Advice We Received After Losing Esther.
To catch up, you can click for Part 1 and Part 2.
Adam and I found the help of experienced people around us to be an invaluable source in the confusing, traumatic days after our loss. Here are 3 more of the top pieces of advice we received on grieving a baby.
7. You have to build a relationship with your baby without her here.
Now, to someone who has not lost a baby, I recognize this sounds absolutely crazy. I would have thought someone was very strange to even say this let alone do it. But now I know differently. It is not some hocus pocus idea. It is the healthy way to grieve and adjust. Whenever a grief counselor told us this 2 weeks after Esther died, I knew exactly what he was talking about. Even while a baby is in heaven, a bond can be nurtured and deepened between parent and child. This can be done in many ways.
Some of the best ways we have done this are:
-Learning more about heaven through the Bible, books, and teachings.
-Living our lives in anticipation of spending eternity with Esther. Thinking about what she is doing now, all the joy she is experiencing, and even dreaming about what she looks like.
-Acknowledging her place in our family. We talk about Esther everyday. She is and always will be our second child. At Christmas, we plan to hang a stocking for her place in our family.
-Talking to God about her. During family prayer, we always mention Esther and thank God for her being part of our family.
-Writing letters to her. I write to Esther, telling her how much I love her, and how proud I am to be her mom.
These are some of the ways that we are building a relationship with Esther even while she is in heaven.
8. Give space to each other as spouses while you grieve.
Men and women grieve so differently. Adam and I have found our outward responses to be so completely different, even when we are feeling the same pain. We have learned not to expect each other to cope the same way. If we start analyzing and assessing each other, we usually end up in more pain. Whenever we give each other space to grieve in our own way, we can connect deeper and support one another much better. A full post on the specifics of this one will be coming soon.
9. Take it one day, one hour, or even one moment at a time.
After a tragedy, looking ahead to the future feels impossible. You can’t see anything and time stands still. Taking small steps can make the grief process more bearable. When Adam and I found out that Esther had died in my womb, our goal was to literally take one hour and one moment at a time. We still had so much ahead of us to walk through. Just focusing on what was before us one thing at a time made us able to keep walking. We have found that God is faithful to help us one step at a time in this process.
This finishes up this series for now.
Thank you to those of you who have shared some of the good advice you have received. I would love to hear more!
I would like to know:
What are the most helpful things you were advised after a loss?
What would you say to someone else going through a similar situation of loss as you?
